


The Clash

by Stakebait, thebratqueen



Series: Strange Bedfellows: Being the Unlikely Adventures of a Vampire and a Slayer [11]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-02
Updated: 2010-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:26:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stakebait/pseuds/Stakebait, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebratqueen/pseuds/thebratqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angel and Spike in a cage. Oh, and some plot, if you're into that kind of thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Clash

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Keren, but it won't let me say so because she doesn't have an AO3 account. (I do have her permission to post.) Script format.
> 
> This is Part Two of a two-Episode crossover with The Brat Queen's Epiphany series. To read the companion piece  
> Buffy go to: http://countylimerick.prohosting.com/fanfiction/buffy/buffy.htm  
> 

Previously, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy: I wanna go see Faith.

Giles: (Not expecting that at all.) You want to what?

Buffy: I want to go see Faith.

*************************************************************

Spike arrives at the Hyperion Hotel as the first fingers of dawn appear  
in the sky. He parks the car out front, runs up the steps buoyantly, and  
opens the front door.

Spike: "Hi Honey, I'm home!"

*************************************************************

Faith: You make a choice; you see where it takes you. Thing is, when  
you get there, you gotta keep your eyes open and deal with the consequences.  


*************************************************************

As Spike is off balance, a demon holding an air rifle comes up behind  
him and fires a tranquilizer dart into his thigh. Spike snarls, wobbles,  
and goes to throw a punch, but the momentum takes him down to the ground  
where he remains, unconscious.

Angel whirls after taking down another two humans to see Spike on the  
ground, with a few minions wrapping him in blankets. As he lunges towards  
them, a second tranquilizer dart catches him between the shoulder blades.  
He goes to vamp face and turns toward the shooter, assuming it is a regular  
bullet, but falls at the demons feet, unconscious as well.

*************************************************************

A little while later, a taxi pulls up to the Hyperion, where Buffy exits  
and pays the driver. She sees Spikes De Soto parked out front and  
smiles, surprised and amused that Angel hasnt kicked him out. She  
opens the slightly ajar door.

Buffy: Angel? Spike? Anybody home?

She enters to find the room in complete disarray and obvious signs of  
a struggle. She leans down and picks up Spikes cell phone off the  
floor and looks around her very worried.

Buffy: What the...?

*************************************************************

Buffy starts to look around the hotel lobby, hoping to find a clue. She  
finds the two stakes, and she gasps, afraid that one or both of the vampires  
she knows have been staked, but after some inspection is relieved to find  
no signs of dust. Her search is mostly fruitless, only turning up a spilled  
beer bottle, some cigarette butts and a suspicious looking hole in the  
wall. She piles the stakes and Spikes cell on the counter, goes  
over to the phone at the front desk, and dials Cordelias cell phone  
number.

Cordelia: (currently at the Angel Investigations office with the rest  
of the gang, picks up her cell without checking the caller ID) Gustave,  
I know I was supposed to call you back, but seriously  I did _not_  
blow that audition and it is _not_ epilepsy, I _swear_...

Buffy: Cordelia...

Cordelia: And I can do it over, I promise, and Ill be _great_  
next time...

Buffy: (getting exasperated) Cordelia!

Cordelia: You shouldve seen me in actors studio last night.  
I was _on_! I mean, ok, maybe (pauses and gives a thoughtful frown)  
Buffy?

Buffy: Angel and Spike are missing.

Cordelia: Huh?

Buffy: Im at Angels place, theres a fighty kind of  
mess, and theyre not here.

Cordelia: (frantically gestures to Gunn and Wesley to come over and listen)  
What? Angels missing? Youre at the hotel?

Buffy: (getting annoyed) Yes, I think I just said that. Now can you stop  
parroting and get over here?

Cordelia: Um, yeah, ok. Stay there. And dont touch anything!

Buffy: (looking at her pile of clues) Um...ok.

*************************************************************

A little while later, Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley show up at the door to  
the Hyperion, Cordelia continuing on a rant as she opens the door.

Cordelia: ...well I dont know what _Buffy _says, but if you  
ask me, a little piece of silicon in the middle of Spikes brain  
is not enough to make me wanna start giving the guy an invitation to dinner  
because, lets face it, dinner on those occasions usually means me!  
I mean assuming hes not back on the whole abandoned factory or Gem  
of Amara thing. And what is it with Buffy and the vampire sidekicks anyway?  
Because its not like that worked out real well last time. (She walks  
in, sees Buffy and gives a beatific grin) Buffy!

Buffy: (sitting on the counter, swinging her legs and on the phone) ...yeah,  
theyre here. If you find out anything let me know. Thanks Giles.  
(She hangs up and hops off the counter.) Cordelia, and Wesley, and...you.  
Hi.

Wesley: (distracted and looking around) Buffy, this is our associate,  
Charles Gunn.

Gunn: Hey, nice to meet you. (Looking around) Looks like somebody forgot  
to pay his 'not getting my ass kicked' insurance.

Wesley: There are signs of a struggle, certainly. (Looks at the axe mark  
in the wall and then notices the axe in the umbrella stand and mutters)  
That doesnt belong there. Buffy, did you notice anything unusual,  
anything besides this?

Buffy: Yes, this and this (proffers the two stakes shes found)  
and Spikes cell phone. No dust though.

Wesley: (displays a flash of irritation that Buffy has moved the evidence  
around) I see.

Buffy: So, any major baddies after Angel lately? Any ideas who did this?  


Cordelia: Pfft. Who_ isnt_ after Angel lately? Theres  
Darla, theres demons, theres... (Looks at Wesley and away  
again) evidence over here I bet. (She scuttles off)

Buffy: Great. Between that and all the people Spike has pissed off, were  
left with everyone. (She pauses for a second) Wait, Darla?

Wesley: (examining some shoe scuffs on the ground) Wolfram &amp; Hart  
raised her from the dead last year. Are you sure this is everything?

Gunn: (from across the room) Got leftovers from some nasty fight over  
here.

Buffy: The creepy lawyers that hired Faith to kill Angel? And no, Im  
not sure thats everything. Im the Slayer, not the forensics  
team.

Wesley: (under his breath) Obviously. Those are Angels stakes.  
Keep looking. Cordelia, you might want to check upstairs. Gunn, check  
the basement. (They head off) Buffy, why are you and Spike in Los Angeles?  


Buffy: Sightseeing.

Cordelia: (hearing Buffy's comment, pauses on the stairs) But not upstairs,  
right?

Wesley: (losing patience) Did you do anything that might have called  
attention to yourselves?

Buffy: (heaves a big sigh) He took me to visit Faith, thats it.  


Wesley: (poking around the furniture, removing cushions, looking for  
more evidence) Why on earth did you need to see Faith?

Buffy: Doing my good deed for the day. Look, thats none of your  
business and its really not the point.

Wesley: Buffy, I realize in Sunnydale such matters might seem irrelevant,  
but youll find that here in Los Angeles these things have a far  
greater importance. There are enemies here that you arent even aware  
of.

Buffy: Oh I see. Youve graduated to the big leagues now. But of  
course I wouldnt know that since I spent a good amount of time protecting  
all of Sunnydale with you hiding behind me. Sometimes screaming.

Wesley: (gives her a thin-lipped smile) Buffy, it is categorically impossible  
for anyone to hide behind you, considering that never in your life have  
you stayed in one place and done what youre told.

Buffy: Keeps me alive, doesnt it?

Wesley: Yes, of course.

Gunn: (returning from the basement, looks at the two of them) Did I miss  
something?

Wesley: No. Did you find anything?

Gunn: Nothin. Everythings in place and it doesnt look  
like anyone broke in.

Buffy: The door was unlocked when I walked in.

Gunn: I keep telling him he needs to fix that.

Cordelia: (coming downstairs) Well, Angel really needs to do laundry,  
but other than that, theres nothing upstairs.

Wesley: (sighs) Naturally. I dont suppose youve had a vision  
in the past few minutes either?

Cordelia: Nope. The Powers that Be have been surprisingly quiet about  
the guy theyre powering.

Wesley: (notices a glint on the floor and goes over to inspect it) Hullo,  
whats this? (He picks up a bent off end of a tranquilizer dart)  
It looks like a tranquilizer dart of some kind. Cordelia, Gunn, Im  
going to need you to research this. Find out who makes them, who buys  
them and if you can, whos bought them recently. Cross-reference  
that with the list of Angels enemies.

Cordelia: Yeah, Ill get the phonebook. (She takes the dart from  
Wesley and motions to Gunn) Cmon, you can drive me back to the office.  


Gunn: (pauses and turns to Wesley) What about you?

Buffy: Yes, what about us, Mon Capitan?

Wesley: (pointedly ignoring Buffy) Unfortunately, barring any useful  
information, were going to have to take extreme measures.

Gunn: Going to Caritas?

Wesley: Yes. Well take Angels car. Ring me the minute you  
find anything.

*************************************************************

Angel and Spike wake up in a cage in what appears to be an abandoned  
warehouse. I know you're shocked. Grimy, cement, oil stains, random barrels,  
probably underground. Mildew smell.

Spike wakes to see Angel trying to punch the lock on the cage door.

Spike gets up, gingerly clutching at his thigh, fumbles in his pocket  
for something which he palms, and wanders over to Angel to lean against  
the cage next to him. He folds his arms to watch Angel's progress.

After about five minutes when no discernable results have ensued, Spike  
extends his hand to offer what appears to be a bobby pin.

Angel: (still hitting) Its electronic.

Spike: (shrugs and returns it to his pocket.) Short it out?

Angel: (ponders this, glances around for anything they might short it  
out with. Upon finding nothing) Unless you wanna try spilling blood on  
it.

Spike: Yeah that was basically the idea.

Angel steps back and makes an all yours gesture.

Spike steps up to examine the lock and door since he is unable to reach  
around to where he can see a control pad, he eventually decides his best  
bet is to try to get blood in the crevice where heavy duty electromagnets  
are holding the door closed. He turns face; winces as he bites into his  
own left wrist, and tries to position the wound to flow into the narrow  
gap. However, just as he hits what he thinks might be the right spot,  
his arm, and indeed his whole body, jerks as he receives a nasty shock.  
He falls back into the middle of the cage, defeated

Spike: Ow!

Angel: (casually) Yeah. That's what happened when I tried to reach that  
crowbar over there. Looks like they have some kinda spell on this.

Spike: You could have mentioned that _before_ I pulled a sodding  
Lady Macbeth. (Shows both of his bloody wrists to Angel.)

Angel: (not disputing this in the slightest, faint look of amusement  
in his eyes) Yeah.

Spike: (sighs) Never mind. Go back to pummeling the immovable spell-locked  
door. It was more productive than talking to you.

Angel: (a little more businesslike as he's looking at the door) doesn't  
do anything. And my cell phone's not working either.

Spike: (mutters under his breath) _Still_ more productive (checks  
his own belt.) Mine's apparently on your floor somewhere.

Angel: Since when do you have a cell phone?

Spike: (proudly) Buffy gave it to me. Who gave you yours?

Angel: Wesley. (Looking around again in an assessing fashion) So what  
the hell is this?

Spike: (looks around as well) Pretty much a dump. Last time I woke up  
in a cage it was much more high tech.

Angel: We're by the water. No clue who brought us here though.

Spike: Yeah, I imagine its a pretty long list of suspects. Who  
wouldn't want to kill you?

Angel: I'm not dead. I'm locked in a cage with you. So _somebody_  
really hates me. (Sudden thought occurs to Angel, says mostly to himself)  
Lindsey.

Spike: (wrong part of the sentence as per usual) It could be me they're  
bloody trying to annoy, you know!

Angel: In that case they could just lock you alone with a mirror.

Spike: Well it would be surreal, I grant you. Me vampire, remember?

Angel: (he slowly walks the perimeter of the cage, his eyes scanning  
for any clue as to how they might get out.) And you keep talking like  
I'm listening.

Spike: (positions his fist below his mouth as if holding an imaginary  
microphone and says in hushed and breathless tones) The older vampire  
stalks and surveys the boundaries of his confined environment, displaying  
his distinctive crest of plastic hair, and marking his territory with  
a unique blend of weak humor and broody looks.

Angel: Could always mark it with the blood of the younger member of the  
species.

Spike: Hello? Just did that bit?

Angel: I was thinking of doing it using your face.

Spike: Whatcha lockin' antlers with me for, Bambi? Not like there's anyone  
here to notice.

Angel: (small puzzled frown as it takes him a second to connect Bambi  
to antlers -- shakes his head dismissing it) Why are you still talking?  


Spike: 'Cause our inconsiderate hosts forgot to provide a telly?

Angel: (turns back to his examination of the cage and mutters under his  
breath) Oh yeah, one fun night in the life of Angel.

Spike: (slides down the wall, sits down, lights a cigarette -- yes they're  
still there -- and then contemplates the lighter for a second) Hey, hair  
boy.

Angel ignores him.

Spike: Got a lighter, if that's any help.

Angel: (without turning around) You offering to set yourself on fire?  


Spike: Not yet. Nother hour of your company, maybe. I was thinking  
more like set something else on fire? Something that might, oh, turn on  
the sprinklers and short out the locks? Or else bring a bunch of firemen  
with axes that would let two harmless kidnapped blokes out of a big nasty  
cage?

Angel: (still not turning around to look at him) There's no sprinklers.  
There's no fire alarm. And I think that'd be funny.

Spike: (takes a drag and blows smoke) Two hundred forty odd years and  
you still have the sense of humor of a four-year-old.

Angel: Takes one to know one.

Spike: (smothers a grin with the back of his hand. Once he's recovered  
his sober mien, he gazes absently up at the ceiling and begins to sing,  
softly, but not quite softly enough.) Ninety nine bottles of beer on the  
wall, ninety nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen  
to fall, I hope Angel's head is right under that wall

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, at Caritas:

Buffy: Demon karaoke bar. You have taken me to a demon karaoke bar.

The Host: (saunters up) I like to think of it as not _just_ a demon  
karaoke bar, but home to some of the best Cosmopolitans in town.

Buffy: And you are?

Wesley: Buffy, this is The Host. Hes an anagogic demon, capable  
of reading peoples futures when they sing.

Buffy: Youre kidding, right?

The Host: (holds out his hand to shake, which Buffy does) I never kid  
about good music sweetheart. Although of course what youre bound  
to hear in here will probably inspire a laugh or two. So you must be Buffy  
the Vampire Slayer. Welcome to Caritas. What can I do for you?

Wesley: (Answering for Buffy) Angels gone missing. We need to find  
out where hes been taken. How soon can I sing?

Buffy: (starts laughing) You  sing? What, a rousing rendition of  
God Save the Queen?

Wesley: (mumbling) I was thinking of Simon and Garfunkel, actually.

The Host: And Im sure it would have been a fine cover of Scarborough  
Fair But unfortunately, my little Wesson Oil, the stage is not for  
you tonight.

Wesley: What?

The Host: Not that I dont enjoy listening to your dulcet tones,  
but if we want to find everyones favorite brooding boy and his attractive  
leather-wearing grandson, yours is not the future I should be reading.  


Buffy: Oh no. No. Karaoke and me...nooooo. We dont mix.

The Host: No, lime green and your skin tone dont mix. Karaoke and  
you will be fine, trust me. If Mordar the Bentback can sing Sexual  
Healing Im sure you can get on stage and provide us with a  
verse or two.

Buffy: But...Wesley can do it. Ive got stage fright. Tons and tons  
of stage fright. I cant even go to plays.

Wesley: Buffy, just do it.

Buffy: (pouting) All right, all right. (Under her breath) Rerun of Principal  
Snyder and the talent show.

Wesley goes to the bar and gets a Guinness, sits at and empty table and  
is soon joined by The Host as Buffy nervously takes the stage.

Buffy: Ok, heres an oldie but a goodie. (She starts to sing Wild  
Boys)

After a very shaky but not horrific rendition of the Duran Duran song,  
she joins Wesley and The Host at their table.

Buffy: Howd I do?

The Host: Wonderful! Didnt I tell you youd do fine? Id  
say you killed up there, but Im sure youve had enough of the  
Vampire Slayer humor, huh?

Buffy: Much obliged. Was I vibey?

The Host: Read you like a book darlin'. Unfortunately, I cant give  
you an exact address, but I should at least be able to point you in the  
right direction. For starters, youre gonna want to try looking near  
water.

Buffy: Well if I go back and sing Rio could you narrow it  
down?

The Host: (smiles at her) I appreciate the offer puddin, but it  
doesnt work like that. (Gets a cocktail napkin and procures a pen  
from his pocket. He scribbles on it and hands it to Wesley.) Talk to the  
guys you find here. Not the friendliest bunch of demons Ive ever  
met, but theyll have the information youre looking for.

Wesley: Thank you.

Buffy: Thats it? I sing and deus-ex-demon? Normally if I want info  
I have to go and beat someone up at Willys. At least there I break  
a sweat. Actually, maybe this isnt a bad thing. Do you do birthday  
parties, because my mom...

Wesley: (annoyed) Buffy, The Host is not a toy!

The Host: Its all right, I appreciate the compliment. Anyway ,  
my Unforgettable Buffy Summers, its not going to be as easy as it  
looks. Im just pointing you in the right direction. What you do  
at the locations is up to you. Fates never set in stone. At least  
not as much as peopled like to think it is. Theres a lot of  
grey areas. And some attractive shades at that. But Im sure you  
know that by now.

Buffy squirms a bit in her seat.

*************************************************************

Back in captivity:

Angel: (leaning against the wall of the cage) So you gonna do it?

Spike: (still sitting, legs stretched out in front of him, a small pile  
of cigarette butts next to him) Do what, sunshine?

Angel: Set yourself on fire. (Shrugs) It's been over an hour.

Spike: (laughs) Nah. Your company's not as bad as I expected. Hell, you  
made it all the way to fifty-six bottles before you punched me in the  
stomach. Color me impressed.

Angel: So now what am I gonna do for entertainment?

Spike: (shrugs) If you want to have a go yourself, I'll generously contribute  
the lighter.

Angel: I'll admit, after an hour with you, goin' back to Hell doesnt  
look so bad. But I promised Wes I'd go with him to the arms and armor  
exhibit tomorrow.

Spike: (distracted) They have a trebuchet?

Angel: I dont know. Wes had the brochure. He said there'd be lots  
of sharp pointy things.

Spike: What's not to like? (Thinks for a minute) Maybe I'll take Buffy.  
Too bad we can't double date.

Angel: Yeah, maybe you should. Cause then I could have all sorts of new  
weapons to hit you with.

Spike: Yeah, and the Slayer'd have all sorts of new weapons to hit _you  
_with. Actually, watching the two of you fight over little old me -  
kinda sweet. Well worth a bruise or two.

Angel: Could start you off on those right now.

Spike: Knew you'd get around to that sooner or later. (He stands up and  
spreads his arms wide) What is it with you? It's raining and you don't  
feel like goin' out - torture. Dru's late and we're waitin' up - torture.  
The wheel's off the carriage and we're stuck here till it's fixed - torture.  
Don't you ever just do the bloody crossword?

Angel: Hitting you is more fun.

Spike: And we don't even have a crossword. I'm flattered.

Angel: (to himself) Too bad I left the knife set at home.

Spike: What, they don't come popping out of your bloody elbows?

Angel: No, just the stakes. Too bad I already popped those out to use  
'em on you 'cause it's not like we couldn't use a weapon when whoever  
the hell has us arrives.

Spike: Yeah and too bad neither of us has a _ring_ that would make  
us _invincible_ so we could get through the bloody spell and _walk_  
out of here.

Angel: Are you ever gonna let that go?

Spike: My money's on no.

Angel: Oh good. Something else to annoy me with until the prophecy comes  
true.

Spike: (eyes quickly flicker to Angel's face and away again.) Yeah well.  
Like I said. In your world, torture and waiting are two great tastes that  
taste great together. (Lights a cigarette)

Angel walks over and sticks out his hand for one. Spike supplies it,  
whips out the zippo, lights the flame, cups his hand around it, and offers  
it to Angel.

Spike: (looks pissed at himself, then blinks) When did you start smokin  
again?

Angel: (takes a drag, lets it out with a roll of his eyes) Its  
been a _long _year.

Spike: Know what you mean, mate.

Angel: (whatever slight companionable mood was between them suddenly  
vanishes as Angel grabs Spike by the T-shirt and gives it a meaningful  
glance to indicate that yes, he knows damned well whose it is) Yeah. It's  
been _such_ a rough year for you.

Spike: (satisfied smirk.) It had its compensations.

Angel: I could kill you right now. I could rip your head right off your  
body.

Spike: Uh-huh. And the Slayer would tear you a new one.

Angel: (takes a drag off the cigarette then lets go of Spike. With a  
rare moment of whimsy) "Aw, gee Buffy, it was such a shame, those  
bastards got him."

Spike: So ya lie to her too, huh? (Takes a drag of his cigarette) And  
its not like I'm loving the piece of military surplus in my skull. Not  
to mention the charming accommodations in Xander's basement. Makes this  
place look like the Ritz.

Angel: (big exhalation of smoke then frowns in confusion) What were you  
doing staying in Xander's basement?

Spike: Giles was keepin' me chained up in his bloody bathtub at the time.  
Only he had a ladybird comin' to visit, so I got told off to keep useless  
lad company. Sleepin' in a sodding chair under a leaky pipe, doin' his  
bloody laundry, wearin' his bloody Hawaiian shirts. Oh yeah, it  
was a grand old time.

Angel: (amused) You were wearing Xander's clothing?

Spike: Mine got shrunk, didn't it? Not like I've had a lot of practice  
with the whole domestic scene.

Angel: Yeah, you really sucked at taking care of the household stuff.  


Spike: Hey, I cleaned up the bodies! Not like _somebody _cared about  
that when he had his brand new disemboweling contraptions to try. Do you  
know how long it takes to get intestines out of an Oriental rug?

Angel: Couple of hours with a solution of vinegar and water. As long  
as you don't let it set.

Spike: (groans and theatrically smacks himself in the forehead) Great.  
Fucking great. I'm stuck in a cage with the undead Hints from Heloise.  


*************************************************************

Meanwhile, at the offices of Wolfram &amp; Hart:

Lindsey: I asked for one vampire, Now I have two.

Goran demon: (managing, in spite of the fact that half of its eyes are  
on opposite sides of its head, to train a nervous look at the ground.)  
See, the thing about that is 

Lindsey: Two. I asked for one vampire, and now I have _two_. And,  
you know, much as I'm loving reliving this moment from The Freshman, what  
I'd _really_ love is to not have to explain to the senior partners  
why we now have 100% more vampires than we need.

Lilah: (smirking) I told you this wasn't going to work.

Lindsey: (ignoring her) Tell me - how exactly do you screw this up? How  
exactly do you make the decision that you're going to bring me both vampires?  
Because it's not as though they look alike!

Lilah: You keep bringing your personal issues into this, and look where  
it gets us.

Goran demon: (clearing his throat) Actually - um - they _do_  
sort of look alike. (Glancing at the other two demons standing behind  
him, who nod in support and murmur their agreement.) I mean what with  
the clothes and the -

Lindsey: One has bleached blonde hair! Cockney accent! Scar over his  
left eyebrow. The other is _ANGEL!_ _Dark_ hair, _mopey _demeanor,  
habit of cutting people's body parts off! You tell me how they look alike!  


Goran: (Significant pause.) Um - see - it was _dark_ and

Lindsey: Shut up!

Goran: Not like we could tell who liked cutting (Finally catches  
Lindsey's glare and falls into silence.)

Lilah: (giggling) Oh this is wonderful, Lindsey. Just perfect. This is  
really going to impress them back at the home office.

Lindsey: You shut up too, Lilah.

Lilah: This was a stupid idea to begin with but no, not to you. You just  
couldn't put aside your Angel fetish for _one day_ and stick to the  
original plan?

Lindsey: I was sticking to the plan! I _liked_ the plan. What I  
don't like is _these _idiots (gesturing to the demons) deciding to  
bring in Angel _and _Spike like what we really wanted to do here  
was start our own game of Vampire Pokémon!

Goran: Look - we couldn't tell. You think it'd be better if we grabbed  
the wrong guy? Or left them both there to get ready for the next attack?  
You got the bloodsucker you wanted. Why don't you just stake the extra  
one and call it a night?

Lindsey: Because we needforget it. Tell you what, gentlemen - how  
about you do your job, keep from making any other screw-ups, and maybe  
by the end of the night I won't forget to pay you? Think _that_ might  
be a fun idea?

Lilah: Very original threat there, Napoleon.

Lindsey: Shut _up_, Lilah.

*************************************************************

A bit later, Buffy and Wesley are in Angels car, heading for the  
address supplied to them by The Host. They sit in silence.

Wesley: (out of nowhere) I was doing all right.

Buffy: Excuse me?

Wesley: (gives her a quick glance) With Angel. Watching over him. Making  
sure he...You didnt have to come.

Buffy: Ok, Mr. Center of the Universe. I told you, I came to see Faith.  
Period.

Wesley: Oh, really? I now its been years since youve lived  
in Los Angeles, Buffy, but the jail is not actually located inside of  
Angels home.

Buffy: Really? Gosh, and I went to the actual jail to talk to Faith and  
came back there to meet Spike.

Wesley: (blinks) Spike?

Buffy: Yes, Spike. Weve been discussing the fact that he and Angel  
have been missing for the past few hours. Where were you?

Wesley: Yes, Im aware that hes missing, Buffy. One of us  
actually _does_ pay attention to details.

Buffy: Thank you.

Wesley: (ignoring her) What I meant is why was Spike with Angel? I wasnt  
aware that they had become bosom companions.

Buffy: He needed to go somewhere while it was sunny and he wanted to  
go do some man-thing with Angel.

Wesley: (does a double take) Some _what? _

Buffy: You know, gloating.

Wesley: About what?

Buffy: Um...stuff. Or lack of stuff, or... (Gets defensive) things!

Wesley: (glances over and notices for the first time how oversized her  
T-shirt appears to be.) I see. The sort of things which explain why you  
currently reek of cigarette smoke?

Buffy: Spike smokes. We were in a car together for two hours. Well, us  
and the Clash. (She shudders)

Wesley: Buffy, Angel told me.

Buffy: You got me. I dont smoke.

Wesley: (his hands tighten on the wheel and he gives a long-suffering  
sigh) No, but you do date vampires.

Buffy: Vampire. I dated _a _vampire.

Wesley: Yes, Im aware.

Buffy: Then what are we talking about?

Wesley: Why was Spike with Angel?

Buffy: (really not wanting to discuss her life with _Wesley_) Are  
we there yet?

Wesley: Just a little further. (Pauses) Buffy, are you and Angel...?  


Buffy: No. We cant, remember? Evil evil all my friends get killed.  
And thank you for bringing that up.

Wesley: Then what the bloody hell is going on?

Buffy: (in mock shock) Language Wesley! (Exasperated) What do you want  
to know?

Wesley: Why did Spike go to see Angel?

Buffy: Aaargh! Thats the same question three times! This is not  
even a conversation we are having! (She goes to turn on and adjust the  
radio)

Wesley: (snaps off the radio) That isnt yours to touch.

Buffy: What? What do you want to know? You should be able to figure it  
out on your own  youre a guy...sorta. Spike went to see Angel  
because we kissed a couple of times...

Wesley: (color drains from his face) You and Angel?

Buffy: No  Spike. He wanted to...I dunno, show off. Its Spike,  
its what he does. He annoys.

Wesley: Of course. So you mean to tell me that the only reason you and  
your current vampire boyfriend are in L.A. is so that Spike can gloat  
about the two of you sleeping together?

Buffy: (gives a patented Buffy disgusted look) Eew. What kind of person  
do you think I am? I came to see Faith. The Spike part was his own thing.  
And were not sleeping together!

Wesley: So he was lying about the curse then?

Buffy: (uncomfortable) Oh. That. You said _sleeping_ together. That  
was a...one-time thing. He was going to die.

Wesley: Oh yes, because as we know, in every generation there is a Chosen  
One. One girl in all the world to _save_ the vampires.

Buffy: Hes a friend  kind of. And I dont think you  
should be quoting anything out of the Watchers books since youre  
half the reason Faiths in jail right now.

Wesley: Well, _someone _should be quoting it to you because youve  
put your destiny on the line for a vampire who looks good in a pair of  
leather trousers!

Buffy: Ok, number one, Spike wears jeans. Number two, hi, my name is  
pot, and you must be kettle. Can I call you black?

Wesley: Angel _has_ a soul. Present tense.

Buffy: And Spike _has_ a chip. Besides, I trust him, odd as that  
seems.

Wesley: Oh no, a Vampire Slayer trusting a vampire? Perfectly acceptable.  


Buffy: I know its not normal, but hes come through for me  
when I needed him. He babysat my sister for gods sake, and if thats  
not devotion, I dont know what is.

Wesley: (grudging smile, remembering Dawn) Thats hardly the point.  
Spike is a vampire. (Pauses) An _evil_ vampire.

Buffy: Evil shmeevil. You cant look at everything as if its  
just black and white. Sometimes itsbeige.

Wesley: (mutters) Or grey.

Buffy: Look, Ive already had this conversation once today with  
Faith, Im over it.

Wesley: Well thats good because were here.

They drive up in front of a series of abandoned projects buildings, where  
three Goran demons are outside, huddled around a trashcan fire. They take  
one glance at the car and begin to scatter. Buffy vaults out of the car  
and immediately begins chasing the two that have run down an alleyway.  
The third attempts to double back and escape, but is caught in mid flight  
by Wesley opening the car door. The demon goes down, and Wesley knocks  
it out by conking it on the back of the head with the butt of his crossbow.  
He then heads after Buffy.

Buffy has the two demons trapped in an alleyway. One rushes for her,  
but she sends her leg out in a high kick to its throat, knocking it back  
a few feet. The other sneaks in from the side, grabs her around the middle  
and hurls her on to the top of a half open Dumpster. Buffy lands with  
a large thud, but quickly recovers and takes the demon rushing her in  
the side of the face with a scissors kick. She happens to look over the  
side of the Dumpster and sees a sledge hammer lying inside. She propels  
herself off of the Dumpster, executing a cartwheel in mid-air, dealing  
the demon a second blow to the head as she lands. She then quickly spins;  
slamming her newly acquired weapon into his rapidly swelling face, spinning  
him around. She heaves one more kick to his midsection, which is enough  
to send him flying into the wall, where he hits his head, and crumples  
to the floor, unconscious.

Unfortunately, this gives the other demon time to run up and sweep kick  
Buffys feet out from under her. She lands on her back, dropping  
the sledgehammer, as the wind is knocked out of her. As she struggles  
to get up, the demon flings himself on top of her, and attempts to throttle  
her. Buffy is desperately trying to tear his hands from her throat when  
a bolt suddenly appears through one of his many eyes and he falls over  
sideways. Buffy looks up to see Wesley holding a crossbow. She gets up  
looking at Wesley with a mixture of surprise and grudging respect. Wesley  
calmly reloads his crossbow and points it at the downed demon.

Wesley: I believe you have some information for us.

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, back in captivity

Spike: Oh no! You said. It'll be perfectly safe! You said. What could  
go wrong with attacking St. Mary's Cathedral, a place entirely filled  
with crosses, holy water, and people professionally prepared to use them!  
All I'm sayin' is, if you go to all the bloody trouble to find a bird  
with second sight, drive her completely round the bleedin' bend, and turn  
her into a vampire, perhaps you might want to consider _listening_  
to what she sees.

Angel: 177.

Spike: What?

Angel: 177 words. (Off Spike's look) In what you just said. Wait(quickly  
counts on his fingers) 176. Poncy's one word.

Spike: (splutters apoplectically) IYouThatThat was  
_hours_ ago, Angel! No wonder you don't understand a bloody word  
anybody says to you. (Hits back of one hand into palm of the other) _Listen_  
for _content_.

Angel: (with a smirk) 23.

Spike walks over to the side of the cage and begins hitting his head  
against the bars. When he realizes Angel is counting the blows he stops  
and glares murderously at Angel for a moment, growling. Then he starts  
chuckling, loses it, and hangs onto the bars, cracking up completely.  


Angel: (Holds out his hand for another cigarette, Spike again supplies  
it and lights it with a flourish, then lights one for himself. Angel takes  
a drag and then says nostalgically) Remember when Darla made you bang  
your head against the wall in Venice?

Spike: Which time?

Angel: After that night in the brothel.

Spike: (grinning a bit) Oh yeah. (Imitates Darla's voice) "Spike!  
This picture is _still_ hanging crooked! Put another nail in, half  
an inch to the left."

Angel: (imitating Dru) "Spoike you shouldn't do that! It makes the  
wall get all angry!"

Spike: (imitating Angelus) "No, no, darlin', that wall's gonna be  
perfectly happy to have that picture I drew of ya. Can't ye tell from  
the cracks? It's smilin' already!"

Angel: (Spike imitation) "Da, can you get your hand off the back  
of my bloody head, the nail's in deep enough!"

Spike: Any bloody deeper, itd been out the other bleedin' side.  


Angel: Through the wall and into the canal just like all those puppies  
Dru got tired of. (Pause)

Spike and Angel together: And that stableboy.

Spike: (affectionate little smile) Dru never could keep 'em alive more  
than a week.

Angel: (nods, taking the final drag off his cigarette) Yeah, well, that's  
why we had you around.

Spike: One does one's poor best. And she kept asking why she couldn't  
turn the puppies. (Pause) _Can_ you turn puppies?

Angel: (Stabbing his cigarette out) Like I know. You know animals aren't  
my kink.

Spike laughs.

Angel: What?

Spike: You drink animal blood all the time. You're bloody Tarzan.

Angel: Tarzan doesn't drink animal blood.

Spike: (exasperated) How would you know?

Angel: I go to movies.

Spike: Tarzan lived in the jungle with a bunch of animals. Trust me,  
if Tarzan were a big broody vampire with a two bottle a day hair gel habit,  
he'd drink animal blood.

Angel: (gives a significant look at Spike's hair) How often do you brood?  


Spike: Whenever I'm locked in a small space with a bleeding idiot. So,  
here, Xander's, Giles' three times.

Angel: Not counting all the times you're in the crypt by yourself.

Spike: No lock.

Angel: (to himself) Really gotta fix the front doors at the hotel.

Spike: I was wondering about that.

Angel: Yeah - the way it is now, any idiot can walk in.

Spike: Well I'm assuming you'd keep a key.

Angel: You drink animal blood too now, sunshine.

Spike: I have a _chip_ in my _head_. Surprisingly people are  
quite reluctant to come up and bleed on me. Even in Sunnyhell.

Angel: It's a nice change of pace.

Spike: Come again?

Angel: Having _anything_ in your head must be a nice change of pace  
for you.

Spike: You mean besides the dread, lethargy, and migraine that come from  
any conversation with you?

Angel: You know, _you_ came to see _me._

Spike: You're right. Clearly I don't have a brain.

Angel: Been tellin' you that for a hundred and thirty years

Spike: Quite a trick, considering I didn't see you for a hundred of them.  


Angel: Hey, not my fault some gypsies decided to ram a soul inside of  
me.

Spike: 'Cause as we all know, people with souls are incapable of writing  
letters, making phone calls, or taking public transportation.

Angel: I guess so, 'cause the vampires without them certainly can't be  
bothered to stay in one place.

Spike: Yeah, well. Like any hunter-gatherer tribe, its time to move on  
when you use up the food supply. Or when they're after you with a lynch  
mob.

Angel: Yeah 'cause god knows _I_ was the one who always brought  
on the lynch mobs.

Spike: Hey, can I help it if I like to feel wanted? It adds a spice of  
danger to the most humdrum meal. It makes every outing an adventure. It  
keeps me young. Besides, if you and the girls weren't so busy making bloody  
_artistic tableaus_ out of the local gentry, I wouldn't have been  
_bored _enough to go rampaging through the villages

Lindsey: (appearing with an entourage of demons and men in labcoats standing  
by the cage) Well, well. Don't tell me I'm interrupting some old lovers'  
quarrel.

Angel: Why, Linds, would that make you jealous?

Lindsey: Who me? I'm not the one who's interested in how well you two  
get along. (Turns and looks at Spike) So this is Spike. Angel's grandson.  


Spike: (exhales smoke, singularly unimpressed) The one, the only. And  
you are?

Angel: Spike, this is Lindsey. I'd offer to have the two of you shake  
hands, but

Lindsey: (annoyed but trying to play it off) Yeah. The hand. You know  
that was funny the first 50 times, Angel. Epecially, you know, the _first  
_one. _That_ was a _real_ -

Angel: (talking over him) Could always cut the other one off. That'd  
give me a chuckle. How 'bout you, Spike?

Spike: (takes a quick moment to assimilate that Angel's life in LA is  
apparently more fun than he'd assumed. But being Spike recovers fast)  
Hell yeah, Angel. Give me a good giggle. Whatcha thinkin'? Tie it off  
real tight and let it rot?

Angel: (distracted) What's the point of that? Then I gotta sit here and  
look at him and wait for it to happen.

Spike: I thought you were supposed to be the patient one. Besides, that  
way _he's_ gotta sit there and look at _you_ and wait for it  
to happen.

Lindsey: Guys.

Angel: Bad enough I've been in here with you for the past (checks his  
watch) dear god. With Lindsey here, once again, Hell's lookin' real cozy.  


Spike: Fine then. Go with the basics. Machete. Always a classic.

Angel: Used a scythe the first time. Hate to repeat myself.

Spike: 'Cause you just have a scythe lying around the house, don't you?  
What are you, the grim brooder?

Angel: Hey Lindsey's the one who brought the weapons to that little shindig.  
I was just using what was on hand. (Pauses, as though the thought has  
suddenly occurred to him) Hey Spike, why don't you try _annoying_  
him to death?

Lindsey: Guys

Spike: 'Cause you're already annoying _me_ to death, and I hate  
to repeat you too. Bad enough people think I've got your dress sense.  


Angel: (ironic laugh/eye-roll) Yeah, 'cause it's such magic for me when  
people find out that I'm related to you.

Spike: Yeah, and it's such a thrill for _me_ (gesture to Lindsey.)  


Lindsey: (taking advantage of the fact that they're both looking at him  
for the moment. More firmly) Guys. Much as I hate to interrupt this whole  
Addams Family Values bonding experience you guys have got goin', I'm kind  
of on a schedule here. So if we could all kind of focus on the "me  
in charge with the Goran demons that can kill ya" thing maybe we  
can get this back on track.

Spike: Uh-huh. Here's me. Terrified. Shakin' in my boots. Did you want  
something?

Angel: Well, what do you know, Linds? You've managed to bore my family  
on a multigenerational level. Red-letter day for you, huh? (Mock-thoughtful)  
Must be right up there with the day that Darla dumped you.

Spike: Darla went out with him?

Angel: (cat in cream face) Oh no. Lindsey brought her back from the dead,  
wined her, dined her - and he _still_ didn't have what she was looking  
for. You know Darla - she likes a little more in her man.

Lindsey: (again more annoyed than he'd like to let on) Is that what you're  
offering these days, Angel? Being more manly?

Angel: (quick eye flicker as a small part of Angel wonders where the  
last comment is coming from but doesn't show it and continues speaking  
as before) Guess so, Linds. That is - if Darla's any judge. I mean it  
wasn't perfect happiness for _me_, but - three times kinda says something.  


Spike chokes on a puff of cigarette smoke.

Lindsey: (Very pissed off) It's not over between us, Angel. (Addressing  
the both of them, motioning for the horde behind him to come forward)  
But in the meanwhile - we need to borrow your grandson for a bit. And  
hey - we'll make it three times as interesting for him too.

Spike: (blinks as he suddenly realizes that no, this is about him. He  
attempts to quickly assess the situation and stay on top) Hey mate - if  
_Darla_ wouldn't touch you

Lindsey: (steps back so the minions can use the passkey to open the cage  
and do their thing) That's not quite what the senior partners had in mind.  
(Mostly to Angel with his own cat in cream grin) But trust me. It'll be  
fun.

A bunch of men and demons in lab coats begin squeezing their way through  
the door. Angel, being at the front of the cage, attempts to hold off  
their entrance while they are still funneled in the doorway, hoping to  
take them out before they have the advantage of numbers. He clocks the  
first man to enter in the jaw, lifting him off the ground and sending  
him flying into those behind him, knocking a good number of them down  
bowling-pin style. They are quick to get up though, and one of the lab-coated  
demons snarls and rushes for Angel's midsection, knocking him back a few  
paces.

Angel himself goes into vamp face, snarls and drives his fist into the  
demons back, around the kidney area. The demon snarls, rears back,  
throwing Angel over his shoulder directly into the doorway again, once  
again knocking down a bunch of entering minions. Spike meanwhile, is looking  
for his opening. The second Angel topples the incoming demons; he makes  
a run for it, knowing full well that he is ineffective against humans.  
He runs across the backs of the various floored minions, and makes for  
the door, where Lindsey is standing. He vamps out and growls; hoping that  
Lindsey has no idea about the chip, and tries for the fear factor. Lindsey  
just smirks at him and bars his way. Spike, taken by momentum, has no  
way of stopping and he goes barreling into Lindsey, taking both of them  
to the floor.

He then feels a hand on his back, dragging him up, and swings his arm  
out in reflex, only to be stabbed with pain as he connects with one of  
the human scientists. As Spike is clutching his head, the scientist takes  
the opportunity to plunge a needle into his arm, causing Spike to fall  
unconscious once again. He is dragged away.

Angel though, is still viciously fighting the several minions that have  
now made their way into the room. Two rush him, and he steps back at the  
precise moment, allowing them to slam into each other and take each other  
out. He is jumped from behind, and a mid-sized demon piggybacks him, trying  
to get a grip on his throat. Angel backs into the wall, and slams the  
demon repeatedly into it, attempting to dislodge it, but it has a tight  
grip. As they are coming to an exhaustive standstill, Lindsey bangs on  
the bars of the cage.

Lindsey: Forget him for now. We have what we came for.

The demon lets go and starts to get to his feet when Angel spins and  
decks it, rendering it unconscious.

Lindsey: (smiling. The rest of the minions have left the cage, and he  
has no intention of going and getting his fallen lackey out) If you really  
like your playmate so much, why don't you keep him? Someone to while away  
the long hours with. (He shuts the door and turns, leaving a very stunned  
and angry Angel behind.)

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, Wesley and Buffy have just finished questioning the demons  
when Wesleys cell phone rings.

Wesley: Cordelia, what have you found?

Cordelia: Huge surprise. Last big purchase of Perkins tranquilizer dart  
model X-17 was none other than Drake and Davidson, a subsidiary of Wolfram  
&amp; Hart.

Wesley: I should have guessed. Well, Buffy and I have determined Angel  
and Spikes location. Meet us at 4273 Waterside Way. Building number  
8.

Cordelia: You got it.

Buffy: (swinging the sledgehammer and addressing the demons) Now, you  
run off and behave yourselves or me and Steve here will have somethin  
to say about it. (The demons take off.)

Wesley: Steve?

Buffy: My sledgehammer  see? (She shows Wesley where the sledgehammers  
previous owner had engraved his name on the handle.)

Wesley: Of course. (He turns and walks away.)

Buffy follows, whistling and twirling Steve.

*************************************************************

A short while later, Buffy, Wesley, Gunn and Cordelia meet up behind  
the abandoned warehouse at Waterside Way. Wesley looks up to a high window  
on the side of the building.

Wesley: I think that would be our best point of entry. Gunn, did you  
bring a rope with you? I could perhaps attach a bolt...

Buffy: Or I could jump.

Gunn: (surprised) Can you?

Buffy: Hold Steve. (She gives her sledgehammer to Gunn who is already  
wielding his hubcap axe, and he gives the handle a quizzical look.) Buffy  
takes a running start, uses some crates to vault from and easily makes  
the jump to the second story windowsill. She pulls herself up, opens the  
window and disappears inside.

Gunn: Huh. Cool.

Cordelia: Yeah. That girl has a pathological fear of doors.

After a few minutes of muffled thuds from inside, Buffy emerges.

Buffy: Cmon in guys, first coast is clear. (They file in. Buffy  
takes Steve back from Gunn.)

Wesley: Our informants said that theyd be downstairs.

Buffy: Ok, everyone get behind me.

Cordelia: Works for me.

They open the door leading downstairs, and Buffy leads the group down.  
They near the bottom, and peeking around a corner, Buffy sees a door guarded  
by four demons. She motions to the others to follow, and she rockets down  
the hall towards her opponents. Before they can react, she has swung the  
heavy hammer at the first demons midsection, knocking him into one  
of his companions, sending them both to the floor. A third demon starts  
to rush her, but is stopped by a crossbow bolt to the chest, followed  
by a quick and clean decapitation, courtesy of Gunns homemade axe.  
Buffy swings the hammer in an uppercut, taking one of her demons in the  
chin, and sends him skittering down the hall on his back, where he crumples,  
immobile. Cordelia dances around the fourth demon, alternately swinging  
her mace and then scooting back as green ichor spurts from its wounds.  
Buffy is momentarily disarmed by one of their attackers, but she easily  
takes his feet out from under him, recovers her hammer and bashes his  
chest in. By this time, the fourth demon has been slain as well; a multitude  
of bolts protruding from his sunken chest. Buffy opens the once guarded  
door, and they all rush in to find Angel in a cage, finishing off a demon  
of his own. He looks up in surprise as the four of them enter.

Angel: (blinking in surprise) Buffy? Wes?

Buffy: Present. How do we get him outa here? Check the guards for keys.  


Gunn: (goes to check and returns quickly holding a plastic card) This  
looks like a key to me.

Wesley slots the key and the door opens.

Angel: Wes...

Buffy: Wheres Spike?

Angel: I dont know. Lindsey and some demons came in not too long  
ago. I dont know where they took him.

Wesley: They took Spike?

Buffy: Well, were gonna find him. Whos this Lindsey chick?  


Cordelia: Guy. Hes one of those lawyers that hate Angel so much.  


Gunn: (gives Cordy a look) I told you it was them. Couldve saved  
a few hours of checking.

Angel: Hang on. (He frowns for a minute in concentration) This way. (He  
walks out)

Cordelia: (As they all follow) How does he do that?

Wesley: Vampire senses.

Angel: I can smell him.

Cordy: Eew. That must be some cologne Spikes wearing. Must be nice  
to have the ability to pick up the body odor of a dead guy.

Gunn: Yeah, cause of all the problems a vampire has, _thats_  
the worst.

They file down a couple of passageways ending in a heavy door. Between  
Buffy and Angel, they manage to break it down, and come upon Spike tied  
down an operating table, unconscious, a gaggle of demons and humans in  
lab coats, and Lindsey leaning against the wall. A heavily robed demon  
takes one look at them and disappears into thin air. Buffy rushes in,  
again swinging her new hammer, and takes down two of the demons in one  
swing. They fall to the floor, and are immediately trampled by their companions  
who rush the rescue squad. Buffy vaults the front line, landing on the  
operating table, standing above Spike. As the rest of the gang contends  
with the demon horde, Buffy sends kicks towards the human flunkies, taking  
them down with ease. In a short while, all the minions have fled or are  
incapacitated. No one notices Lindsey slinking out during the fray.

Spike: (wakes up slowly and groggily blinks his eyes at what appears  
to be Buffy standing over him): Slayer?

Buffy: (hops down and unties him) Can you walk?

Spike gets up and, though a bit wobbly, manages to exit the warehouse  
with Buffys support.

*************************************************************

Not too long after, everyone has gathered back at the Hyperion.

Gunn: Sounds like Miller time to me, whos in?

Spike: (sitting in a chair raises his hand) Right here, mate.

Angel nods.

Wesley: Yes, please.

Angel: Wes...

Spike: (taking a long pull of beer) Aahhhh. That feels good. Been a bad  
day all around.

Angel: (looks pissed) Yeah, cause God knows this has been the best  
day of _my_ life. Wes? (Wesley doesnt appear to be looking  
at him.)

Buffy: I still dont get it.

Cordelia: Whats to get? Youve had a long day. Alcohol is  
needed. Angel, would it kill you to keep a bottle of wine around here?  


Buffy: No, why did they take you guys? And what did they do to Spike?  
And how did they know Spike was gonna be here anyway?

Wesley: Well, the demon that vanished was a Pockla. Its a healing  
demon, primarily known for regenerating flesh. (Spike touches his eyebrow  
to make sure his scar is still there.) And for performing other types  
of supernatural operations.

Buffy: (to Spike) Still got all your parts?

Spike: (grins lasciviously at her) Wanna check?

Angel looks at Spike and gives a soft growl.

Cordelia: (looks at Buffy and Spike and finally gets it) What is it with  
you and vampire boyfriends? Have you even tried the living?

Buffy: Hes not my boyfriend! (Not noticing Spikes hurt look)  
And yes, I have. You make it sound like a soft drink.

Spike: Ah yes, the living. (Gets a dreamy look) Drinks on tap. (He leers  
at Cordelias neck)

Buffy smacks Spike upside the head.

Spike: Ow!! What?

Wesley: (looks at Angel) Did they do anything to you?

Angel: Nothing, far as I know. (Glances at Spike) Annoyed me to Hell  
and back. Unless they did something while I was knocked out?

Spike: Is there a big black market in vampire parts?

Wesley: Well, there are collectors about town, but Im unaware of  
any connections that Wolfram &amp; Hart would have to them.

Angel: Its Wolfram &amp; Hart. Trust me, theyve got their  
hands in everything dirty.

Buffy: So why just cut up Spike? Why not Angel? More bang for your buck?  


Gunn: Lawyer boys seem to want to keep Angel alive and in one piece.  
(looks at Angel) Unless theyre messing with your mind again, bro?  


Buffy: So why bother with Spike at all?

Angel: (speaking around the neck of his beer) Fastest way of messing  
with my mind I know.

Spike: Ta. (Tips his beer at Angel)

Cordelia: (shrugging) Maybe they just picked up Spike as a bonus. Like  
a two-for-one sale. Of vampires. I hate this city.

Wesley: Unless Angel was going to be next?

Spike: Brilliant! I come to be the Slayers chauffeur and I get  
taken as a bloody guinea pig!

Angel: Sounds like instant karma to me.

Spike: Well it would cause you dont know what those two words  
mean.

Buffy: (pointedly ignoring both of them) Next for the what? Did they  
do it? Did we miss it? Did they even start?

Wesley: Well, the demon vanished when we got there. That would indicate  
that whatever it was to be done was done.

Buffy: Or maybe he was just running away.

Wesley: (grudgingly) Yes, that is a possibility.

Gunn: So we got nothin.

Spike: Well, if any of my parts fall off, Ill be sure and let you  
know.

Cordelia: And well let you know if we see any mention of your liver  
in the classifieds.

Gunn: (to Cordelia) Cmon, Ill give you a ride home. (She  
gathers her stuff as Gunn turns back) You gonna be ok?

Wesley smiles encouragingly. Gunn and Cordelia depart, leaving the remaining  
group very uncomfortable in each others presence.

Spike: (starts to get up) Well, guess well be headin off  
then.

Angel: (Turns to Buffy) Buffy?

Buffy: Yeah?

Angel: (uncertainly) Everything ok with Faith?

Buffy: Peachy.

Angel: (gives a small twitch) And you?

Buffy: Im dealing.

Wesley leaves the group and crosses the lobby to get another beer. He  
is soon joined by Spike, who gives a worried glance at Buffy and Angel.  


Angel: (glances them, then looks back at Buffy) Anything I can help with?  


Buffy: Are you asking about something specific, or is this a general  
offer?

Angel: Whatever made you come here. With him.

Buffy: Faith. Been there, answered that. He knew why I needed to be here  
and offered to take me.

Angel: (annoyed) You dont wanna answer me, fine. Ive had  
a real long day Buff, maybe you and Spike should get home before the sun  
comes up, huh?

Buffy: (blinks at this sudden tirade) What do you want me to say to you?  
What are you looking for? (Getting more annoyed by the second) Do you  
need me to say Spike has influenced me with his bad ways and I need you  
to save me from him?

Angel: (moves back a step and holds up his hands dismissively) I dont  
need you to say anything, Buffy. Its none of my business. You do  
whatever you want with Spike. I mean, you know him so much better than  
I do.

Buffy: Yeah, and you knew Wesley so much better than I did when you took  
him in!

Angel: (annoyed) Thats different.

Buffy: Oh really.

Angel: Yeah, really.

Buffy: Care to explain that?

Angel: I thought I already did. (Looks like he was going to say something,  
but changed his mind) You know, Ive known Spike longer than you  
have. Hell, Ive known Wesley longer than you have.

Buffy: Yeah, so you know people change.

Angel: But hes a vampire. He doesnt have a soul.

Buffy: I know. And thats what makes him...(looks like shes  
searching for a word to use, or not to use) different.

Angel: (gives her a derisive look) Trust me, theres a lot of things  
that make Spike different. If you want to be third on that list, go right  
ahead.

Buffy: (takes a moment to process, and then goes livid) How dare you!  
He couldve killed me a million times by now if he wanted to. (Pauses)  
Thats more than you can say.

Angel: (flatly) Get out. _Now_.

Buffy: (looks hurt, but gathers her resolve and her sledgehammer) Spike!  
Were leaving! (She storms out.)

Spike: Bout bloody time! (On his way past Angel) Lovely seeing  
you again Angel, have to do this again sometime.

*************************************************************

Sometime later, Buffy and Spike are on their way back home. Buffy is  
staring silently out the window, looking none too pleased.

Spike: You hungry Slayer? We can stop and get some food.

Buffy continues to silently fume.

Spike: Ok Nice sledgehammer you picked up.

Still no answer from Buffy.

Spike: (talking over his shoulder) Steve, was it? Howd you like  
to go grab a bite to eat? Get you some nails? Got a spare railroad spike  
in the trunk...

Buffy: Its under the seat. I kicked it when I got in. Are you gonna  
keep this up the whole way?

Spike: Got you to talk, didnt it?

Buffy gives an exasperated sigh.

Spike: What happened back there? Did the king of all that is brooding  
give you a hard time for messin about on his side of the county  
line?

Buffy: No, he decided to tell me how to live my life. Again.

Spike: What is it this time? Give up slaying and sell Tupperware? Bloody  
poofter speech number 27 (Angel imitation) Buffy, you really need to have  
a normal life. Or my very own personal favorite, why are you hangin  
about with the magnificently charming, debonair, yet not inaccessible  
William the Bloody?

Buffy: Got it in one. Well, three.

Spike: (makes a tutting sound) Angel goin on bout a normal  
life again. Dont listen to him, pet. I never did, and look where  
its gotten me.

Buffy: (mocking tone) Yes, youre an evil vampire and I shouldnt  
associate with you because your kind never changes. (Heavy eye roll.)  


Spike: Chip in my head, didnt have much choice.

Buffy: That doesnt work on me.

Spike: (looks embarrassed and says quietly) You know why I do this.

Buffy: (Back in rant mode) I know! I told him, I said youre different.  
And the he said... (Trails off into silence)

Spike: And then what pet?

Buffy: He said that I would be your third.

Spike: (takes a minute, counts off on his fingers while mouthing names,  
and then he shakes his head, realizes, and gives her a horrified look)  
Bloody hell, Slayer, if Id wanted to do that I wouldve done  
it by now!

Buffy: (still very angry) I know. I told him you couldve killed  
me a million times by now if you wanted to. (Pauses) And thats more  
than he can say.

Spike: (barks a laugh and quickly pulls over to the side of the road  
and turns off the car before he crashes in a fit of laughter.) Ok, say  
that again! What did Angel look like?

Buffy: Stop it Spike! This is serious.

Spike: (turns in his seat to face her) Oh yes. This is serious. This  
is bloody well the most important thing Ive heard in days.

Buffy: (turns to face him) He said he knows you better than I do.

Spike: What does Angel know anyway? Hes so sodding observant he  
barely notices light and sound. People change.

Buffy: Yes, they do. (She leans over and kisses him.)

Spike pulls back after a minute, and looks her in the eyes, searching  
for something. When she doesnt look away a slow smile spreads across  
his face and he leans in, kissing her back more aggressively.

Buffy: (As he starts to nibble on her ear) Give me my shirt back.

Spike: (takes it off and throws it in the back seat) Go get it.

Buffy vaults into the back, landing with a clang on the sledgehammer.  


Spike: (peeks his head over the seat as shes throwing the hammer  
on the floor) Comfy back there Slayer?

Buffy: (grabs him by the hair and yanks him into the back on top of her.)  
I am now.

Spike growls and rips her shirt off.

Buffy: Hey!

Spike: Its my bloody shirt, Slayer. Its not like its  
my only one.

Buffy; Coulda fooled me.

Shes cut off as Spike begins kissing her again, working his way  
up and down her neck. Buffy gasps and shivers, and runs her fingernails  
over Spikes bare back. Spike momentarily holds off on kissing her  
as he gives her a long, slow appreciative glance that travels down her  
whole body. He pauses briefly and a look enters his eyes, as if he is  
not sure this is happening, but is quickly squelched by a loud resounding  
fuck it in the back of his head. He grabs the front of Buffys  
bra and tears it from her body, flinging it into the front seat, and resumes  
his kissing down her neck. Spike cups Buffys breasts and runs his  
lips back and forth across her nipples, evoking small moans from Buffys  
throat. She runs her hands down his stomach, finally resting on his fly,  
where she unbuttons the top button, then realizing it is a button fly  
grabs both sides, preparing to rip his pants in half.

Spike: This is my only pair of pants luv.

Buffy: Ill buy you another.

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-p-p-p

*************************************************************

Later that morning, back in Sunnydale, Buffy bursts in to Spikes  
crypt and throws a pair of pants onto his sleeping form.

Buffy: Rise and shine!

Spike: (with sleepy charm) Cause vampires are so good at that.  
(He blinks a couple times, looks at the pants lying on top of him and  
starts to grin.) Or you could come back to bed...

Buffy: I could, or...(obviously trying to think of a better alternative,  
but failing miserably) I could. (She grabs the pants off of Spike and  
throws them across the room.)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: These characters arent ours. We just like to play with  
> them. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox TV, WB, UPN and any  
> other copyright holders. An Unforgettable Summer was produced by Lucian  
> Pintilie and released by MK2 Productions in 1995. The Freshman was produced  
> by Harold Lloyd and distributed by Pathe Exchange Inc. in 1925. Addams  
> Family Values was produced by Orion Pictures Corp. and Paramount Pictures  
> in 1993. Rio appears on the eponymous album by Duran Duran, released in  
> 1982, and Wild Boys on their Arena live album in 1984, both from EMI Records.  
> Scarborough Fair appeared on Simon and Garfunkels 1966 album, Parsley,  
> Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme from Columbia. Hints from Heloise is a registered  
> trademark of Heloise Inc.


End file.
